Just Tell Me No

It is easier to hear No
Than nothing at all
An answer into which
Teeth can sink down
Clenching tight in
Extended duration
Held safely in place
So as not to do
Long term damage
Until disappointment
Can be chewed
Savagely into
Tiny enough bits
That can be
Swallowed gone
Until forgotten
That unpalatable
Response is placed
Where it belongs
And flushed away
But not knowing
Wondering until
Silent rejection
Now assumed
Becomes this
Lonely black hole of
Empty space
Without justification
A nothing to
Contemplate with
No beginning
And no end
Nothing to glance at
After ridding yourself
You can turn
And simply
Walk away

Essay in Regard for the Other Mothers in My Life

Funny thing about mothers is they come in all manner of unlikely forms.
We like to think of the woman who gave birth to us, but for some,
there was a woman with many thoughtful reasons for parting with a baby in a selfless effort to provide a home with another woman who becomes the real mother, feeding, caring for needs, wants, supporting the details of normal living that go unnoticed until today where maybe in a sentimental Hallmark card or a child’s Mother’s Day art effort, there is a listing of the reasons and the tasks fulfilled that we appreciate in our mothers; that all of us forget to acknowledge every other day.
The descriptions of how she makes the best cookies, she holds my hair when I am sick in the middle of the night, she always hugs me when I’m sad, and the coupons for one free hug, one free empty the dishwasher, and one free take out the recycling; cards beginning in duty, filled with affection, consistent in their ending of “I love you!”

I have a mother, she loves me, she cared for me, she is quietly supportive and I love her and know she did the best she could. Like we, all of us mothers try to do.
Some days we perform and fulfill all the duties, tasks, and affections better than other days;
always we try
Today, I am thinking of so many other people that gently but strongly remind me that we all have many mothers passing in and out of our days.

The sister-n-law that believes in you when no one else does and nudges
more from you when humiliated and scared, you just want to give up, clicking the thumbs up “like” when no one else does, saving us from the loneliness of feeling a failure. Jane, never plain, always notices, always sees potential, visibly and invisibly supporting so many of us, every day.

The boss, the Conservative, the guy’s guy, who might be mistaken for not caring, he always says you can do it, always reminds you not to be too hard on yourself, he understands, and never makes you feel badly for losing your cool and crying in utter frustration. John, simply good at seeing the good in other people who may not deserve his kindness.

The cousin, teaching other people’s children for over 25 years, the wonderful woman who not having physically given birth to a baby,
dotes, cares, loves, remembers, worries when she had problems of her own. Vicki, responding to an email and always saying yes.
Always interested, laughing and lovely in thought and action.

The friend you haven’t seen in years, the genuinely good mother you commiserated with when your sons were toddlers and you often felt trapped in the muck and mundane, the sleepless everyday routines, tantrums, and joys of motherhood. Marie, sincere, hugging you at
Wal-Mart reminding in stories of similarities you aren’t the only one.

The colleague and friend who always makes you laugh, tries to give you
another perspective, so you don’t feel badly when your work is rejected. Giver of ideas and possibilities, the holder of hope who keeps trying and only asks that you do the same. Gary, saying you will be wonderful on the days you feel completely mediocre, and want to crawl in a hole.

The childhood friend you have known for as long as you’ve known yourself, whose texts and calls brighten ever day. The one person you can call and will listen through the tears, loving you in your rightness and wrongness, the happy voice on every message. “Hey Booze, It’s Nance!” Always there in the darkest of days to say it will get better.

The husband, who wants what is best for you, and always keeps trying when he may not want to try that day, whose own father wasn’t an example of love in his approach. This man who doesn’t complain about work, who volunteers for everything. Terry, often unappreciated by the sons he does so much for, and a wife who should give him more credit.

There are so many examples of mothers in our lives. So many people
we won’t give a card to today, or take to breakfast, brunch or dinner.
This annual day when we remember and regard with such clarity
The goodness and altruism in motherhood, can also be a day
when we appreciate the love and support from the people who,
never our real mothers,
nourish us, care for us, and support us like a mother does.
I am grateful for the love and support of all my unlikely sometimes mothers.
I love you all even if not named this time.
And I ask everyone who may read this, “Who are yours?”

Spring

The road that takes me from the highway to my home
It’s a roller coaster road where you see the top
Of the next hill from the one you’re currently on
Right before you drop down you see the apple tree farm
The sign is blue that alerts you it’s more than
A house with more than just a family living there
Most days the journey is filled with thoughts and problems
Lists and schedules passing through my brain
The nagging reminders of the necessary that are
Hard to escape when heading away from work to home
Today, the first fully lovely day of this spring with
The countryside aglow in green, in newness and
Possibilities that make one so happy to be of this earth
In the valley of the road there is a gaggle of gangly
Legged laughing girls their smiles flashing silver
The sun reflecting their giggles, they pull their hands down
Signaling for honks from compacts and SUVs
All of us with horns on steering wheels, effort
Not required, no pulling necessary, just a few light taps
On my wheel and those girls, the five of them
Successful making memories together in this
Common desire to feel good, the ease of my gift
Little honks from my little red car, and all of us; we’re smiling

The Cardinals

Two of them, bright red, clicking incessantly
Singing like guys on a corner as beauty passes
In a skirt and high heels, ignoring the notice
This female flys from her branch to the ground
Playing hard to get or maybe just bored with
The game, the silliness of deciding between what?
One’s regal red adornment or the other’s loud song
Choices, she must be thinking, it’s all about the choices
Does she really have a choice, and if she does, is she
Aware it is her choice? Or do the brilliant red feathers
The lovely whistled song make her forget she should
Stay an equal partner? It isn’t easy laying the eggs and
Sitting in a nest while he goes to get food, he may
Find another who suits him better while she waits in
That nest, on those eggs, and it just seemed like it would
Be fun back when she was being chased, pressured
To decide between freedom and trusting one of them

The Drive to Work

On the highway that climbs then turns
In the spot where there is a smattering
Of flowered covered crosses marking
Anonymous undisclosed losses as we
Daily streak past, reminders it can all
End now, today, tomorrow our life
Becoming a tilted marker anchoring
Plastic flowers, faded photos, messages
She was loved and will be greatly missed

The eighteen wheeler barrels past
Seemingly seconds behind a pick up
Truck who mistakenly believes the left lane
Is for those who follow the rules, follow
The limits of the designated speed on this
Curve, this stretch of highway where
Strangers die, where we remind ourselves
This is the spot where everyone is killed
Where that pick-up is pressing its luck

The truck must see the semi daring it to
Get going, go faster, move aside, it must feel
All those wheels inching precariously close
Suspended in time those gaudy crosses
Hopeful warnings that life can move too fast
The pressure to get out of the way lost on that
Pick-up truck with a driver who someone loves
Whose plans wait at the end of the road, not at the
Side, only to be an accusation from the dead